it's cold, it's dark, it's cursed...


It all starts without warning, a loved one or trusted authority thrusts a sharp dagger slicing deep into the child's innocent heart shattering its safe world of love with betrayal. A reflex pulls the heart away as the first painful emotion brings a fear of death and insecurity. Stunned in disbelief the child's mind scrambles to make sense of the puncture the heart has just sustained. Confused and unable to comprehend the assault, the child accepts full responsibility. Year after year the pattern continues, as trust becomes a distant memory.

Deep within solitude and far from discovery the mirror of the buried heart reflects failure and loneliness. The mind caught off guard responds with a legion of proof the inner voice is a lie. As time passes and silent to all others, the heart's once small whisper increases to a scream the mind can not suppress. Plunging into a darkness of conviction and despair a knowing of the failure permeates the body. Shocked by the inner betrayal, a rage is created that will not relent. Over and over you seek for the one to blame, but none can be found. Through desperate fear the mind has the solution. You are the one to blame.

The now silent heart slowly dies unaware of its gradual fate as despair trickles into the cold voids where the dream once lived. Day after day the darkness kills thoughts before they transform into action bringing a paralysis to life. Moving deeper and deeper into hopelessness, the childhood dream no longer exists. Replaced with a cold hatred that the song of lies was ever heard. Death is the only escape and love is a lie.

they are just waiting for me to die...


Entries for July, 2004

July 14, 2004
Memegen quizzes >.>;;;
Posted at 03:35 AM

i got all of this from Hon





What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name:
Age:
Sex:
Sexuality:
Flirting Skill Level - 6%
Kissing Skill Level - 62%
Cudding Skill Level - 17%
Sex Skill Level - 35%
Why They Love You You can do amazing things with your tongue.
Why They Hate You You are too sexy.
This cool quiz by http://www.kwiz.biz/userprofile.php?userid=4711'>lady_wintermoon - Taken 256278 Times.
New! Get Free Daily Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz



ask Hon bout this





Insanity Test
Username
Age
Your problem is Obsessive Compulsive behaviour
Will you ever be cured? (8) - Without a doubt. - (8)
Just how crazy are you? - 24%
This cool quiz by http://www.kwiz.biz/userprofile.php?userid=309'>insanitydefense - Taken 126978 Times.
New! Get Free Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz



true...very true






July 15, 2004
I Miss Surveys!
Posted at 02:35 AM

I got this from Hon

1. Do you have an alias/a.k.a? what is it?
- Gokou, X, Shinbo, Arima, Akito etc.

2. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
- chocolate

3. What movie/s are you waiting for?
- none

4. If you wanted to be in a band, what type of
genre of music would your band play?
- slow rock and pop

5. what is the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?
- none...i guess Oo;;;

6. do you want to live with your parents forever
or move out?
- move out

7. Where is the place you want to be right now?
now?
- hon's house

8. What song do you listen to, to feel happy?
- i dunno

9. In The Lord of the Rings, who is your
favorite character?
- none

10.In Star wars, who is your favorite character?
- luke skywalker i guess

11.What movie/s made you cry?
- none

12.Name famous people that you have a crush on?
- none

13.What is your favorite drink?
- lemon juice

14.Paper or Plastic?
- none

15.If you could freely kill just one celebrity,
who would it be?
- President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo

16.Coke or Pepsi?
- pepsi blue

17.In a week, how many times do you go online?
- used to be everyday...now seldom

18.If you could be someone else for a whole day,
who would it be?
- none

19. Single or taken?
- taken

20. Describe yourself in one word?
- angsty

21. What's the first thing you do when you wake
up?
- check my cellphone to see if hon txt'ed me

22. What's the last thing you do before you go
to bed?
- washroom

25. Something about you that you're proud of
- uniqueness i guess

26. Are you in love?
- yeah

27. What's your mobile number?
- 0911 911-1111 (haha)

28. Are you happy?
- yeah

29. Why?
- coz she's back to normal and i get to see her more often again

30. What is the most important material object
you possess?
- Hon's monthsary letter and her pictures







July 15, 2004
Surveys....again
Posted at 02:51 AM

1.makalat ba sa kwarto mo?
wala akong kwarto...unfortunately

2. sinong namamalantsa ng uni4rm mo?
my ate

3. nakipag away ka na ba sa kuya mo?
wala akong kuya...pero ate... OO!

4. madali ka bang maimpluwensyahan ng iba?
hindeh

5. my ate ka ba? kung wala gusto mo bang
magkaron?
meron... kaya nga ayoko...lol

6. pogi kaba???
tanong mo kay hon...lol

7. sawang-sawa ka na ba sa buhay mo?
malapit na...pero fortunately...di pa naman

8. favorite lahok sa halo2x?
leche plan. saging, ube, langka at mais

9. astig ba ang strangebrew?
di ko alam...sino ba sila?

10. alam mo ba ung aeriel and maveric
hindeh

11. takot ka ba sa ipis?
dati oo..ngayon hindeh

12. matapang ka ba talaga?
pag kelangan

13. minsan ba nagseself-pity ka?
oo

14. anong masasabi mo sa friendster beta?
IT SUCKS MEN! LoL

15. ilan ba ang bwan sa pluto?
1 and the name is chiron/charon

16. mabilis ka bang makalimot?
medyo

17. anong style mo pag nag mememorize ka?
inuulit-ulit ko yung kelangang kabisaduhin

18. my kilala ka bang lalaking mahilig kay hello
kitty?
oo, sa kotse nya may hello kitty

19. bading ba sya?
di naman cguro

20. kadalasang pinag mumulan ng away nyo ng utol mo?
internet, pc etc

21. malakas ka ba?
yeah...isang mahinang hawak nababasag yung baso...hahaa (jk)

22. gusto mo bang tumalino?
syempre

23. sasama ka ba sa kin?
saan?

24. natatakot ka ba sa manyakis?
kung si hon yung manyakis....syempre hindeh... jk!

25. sino ang pangunahing tauhan sa noli me
tangere?
Crisostomo Ibbara

26. namatay ba si Elias sa huling kabanata nito?
oo

27. pabor ka ba sa death penalty?
oo, lalo na sa mga rapist

28. halimbawa ginulpe ka manlalaban ka ba?
syempre

29. halimbawa makikipagpalit ng heart sa yo si
jesus for 1 day itatry mo ba?
ayoko, mahirap magsakripisyo para sa mga kasalanan ng tao

30. sa tingin mo may napala ka sa pagsasagot
nito?
wala, nasayang lang oras ko

oh yeah, i also got this from Hon






July 15, 2004
Another Survey!
Posted at 03:43 AM

^Call me: Gerard, Goks, Gokou, Akito, Arima etc.
^Age: 2*
^Height: 5'6"
^Hair Color: dark brown
^Eye Color: dark brown
^where im at?: living room, front of pc


SECTION 2//HAVE YOU EVER??

*Peed in ur pants?: when i was a kid
*Fallen off da bed? used to be
*Fallen for a relative? kinda
*Had plastic surgery? nopd
*Failed a grade? yeah
*Broke someone's heart? i dunno
*Had ur heart broken? yeah
*Had a dream come true? yeah
*Cheated on a test? once


SECTION 3// CURRENTLY

+Wearing: short and t-shirt
+Eating: none
+Feeling: somewhat hungry
+Reading: none
+Located: none
+Chatting with: Elena
+Watching: none, the tv's off
+Craving: anything i can eat especially junk foods
+Should really: save money for the future

SECTION 4//DO YOU...

-Brush ur teeth? yeah
-Like anyone? my hon
-Have any piercings? no
-Drive? no, but i want to learn
-Love GOD? yeah
-Ever get off the damn computer? yeah, i already did for almost a month

SECTION 5// FRIENDS

+Who is your best? Angelo Bulabog and Leia Manalo
+Who is the loudest? si tonet?
+Who is the shyest? hm... me? haha
+Who is the hottest? Elena (di ako bias ah XD )
+Who laughs the most? adz
+Who have you known the longest? Angelo Bulabog
+Do u hang out with the opposite sex? seldom
+Do u consider yourself popular? no
+Do u trust ur friends? yeah
+Are you a good friend? i'm just your average friend


SECTION 6// LAST PERSON YOU...

+Hugged: Elena
+Talked to on da phone: Elena
+Yelled at: i forgot
+Checked out: tabulas
+Fell In love with: Elena
+Tripped: no one
+Turned down: none

SECTION 7// PERSONAL

+What do you want to be when u grow up? to be a simple man with enough money to feed my wife and kids
+What was the worst day of ur life? past few weeks
+What has been the best day of ur life? yesterday
+What comes first in ur life? Elena
+Do u have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yeah
+What do u usually think of before u go to bed? Elena

SECTION 8// FAVORITE

+Movie: Lion King, Independence Day
+Song: Dan Dan Kokoro Hikareteku, Genki no Shower
+Group: Field of View, Deen, V6
+Store: cdr king
+Relative: none
+Sport: chess
+Ice cream flavor: any chocolate flavor especially rocky road
+Fruit: anything except pineapple
+Candy: anything
+Car: bmw and toyota
+Magazine: xpert gamer, gamepro
+Day of the week: thursday, friday and saturday.
+Color: blue, white, black and red.


SECTION 9// DO YOU

+Like to give hugs? to the people who deserved it like my girlfriend
+Like to walk in the rain: if hon ask me to be with her in the rain
+Sleep with or without clothes? with
+Prefer black or blue pens? blue
+Dress up for halloween? used to be
+Have a job? used to be
+Like to travel? if i can and i have the money
+Sleep on your side, tummy or back? tummy
+Want to marry? yeah
+Have a goldfish? when i was a child
+Ever had the falling dream? yeah
+Have stuffed animalz? yeah
+Go on vacation? used to be

SECTION 10//WHAT DO U THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU FIRST
HEAR THE WORD

+Abortion: stupidity
+Bill Clinton: playboy
+South Park: rude
+Summer: hot
+Tattoos: vandalism
+Piercing: pin cushion
+Drinking: thirsty?

this also came from Hon






July 18, 2004
On a Cliff Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
Posted at 05:35 AM

sorry if i didn't post for some days... i was supposed to post bout my usual meet with Hon... but for some reason that time.. my mood changed.

well anyway... after our last issue... things are going better for us.. we're adjusting better for one another without pressuring one another...

hm although... for some reasons... i somewhat remember how they (some of her close friends) reacted to our situation...

so what i said is true afterall... they all look at me as if i murdered someone... true the issue ended but... the way they're reacting still remains...

even though she blames herself for it, i don't blame her... it's not her fault... it's not mine too... we're just victim of circumstances... and of the pakialamero people

anyway

so what's the use of being friendly to them for at least 6 months? i guess none...

because... i didn't blend into them properly... or rather i really don't belong in their group... i'm not welcome in the first place..

not that i care anyway... i guess i'll be back to being an anti-social type of guy...

on the brighter side...me and hon's relationship seems to be getting stronger every day... and that's good to know

oh yeah... on a quick note, i watched Spider Man 2 earlier, no wonder it became a hit... it was more realistic than the first, the story's really like about us... ordinary people...

Peter Parker went to all the problems that most people went through... like me... financial problems, school, lovelife, etc...

he sacrificed his happiness for being spiderman and he quitted because of that... just like me... i almost quit on my problems... but luckilly i didn't... because i know what will happen if i did...for on his life, it became a whole lot worst

anyway that's all.. thanks to all the people who tagged and posted their comments here especially Hon and Pavali... thanks

till then...

I Love You Elena

end.

"i'm glad i was picked as the onigiri(riceball) till i realized in the end that... the onigiri will never be a part of the fruits basket..." -Honda Tohru [Fruits Basket]








July 19, 2004
Nothing but Himself
Posted at 05:07 AM

GGraceful
EEasy
RRadical
AAdventurous
RRadical
DDelicious

Name / Username:


Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

w0ah



My life is rated PG-13.
What is your life rated?


LoL!


! 4|\/| |\/|4|<|_|83><.  |/\||-|0 r j00?
Which main-ish Get Backers character are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

strange... but true


You are Tsukasa
Tsukasa - You are Tsukasa, the WaveMaster
who can't seem to log off the network. You're
a loner and believe people are inherently
selfish and dumb. You're confident you're
better off stuck in The World, away from those
people that've hurt you.


Which Dot Hack SIGN character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

another strange but true kind of cases. what a coincidence?Oo;



-------------------------------------------


i dunno what to post so i answered some quizzes instead. Hon didn't went online today, for some family reasons, we didn't talk that much either.. just like yesterday.. hm strange

we didn't talk on cell either... signal problems.. must be the weather...

anyway... it's sure is lonely online without her... i wonder if she felt the same way during the time that she can go online but i can't? only she knows the answer to that. anyway if i'm just really sleepy (i was sleeping whole day), i rather sleep than online.

hm... i still feel a little uneasy... the same way as before... i begin to wonder why.. everytime i thought everything's ok a new problem arises? oh well

i don't want to think anymore, it sucks when you know all the possible outcome... and the bad thing is that most of them are negative...

anyway thanks to the people who truly cares for the both of us, who prays that everything went good for me and for Hon, and also for supporting us... really thanks...

but still, i just wish all bad things would end, i hope my problems disappear... i just want to live happy and peacefully with her... is that too much to ask?

till then...

I Love You Elena...

end.


Vivian or Kazuma's Moment (Gundam Seed's 2nd op)






July 20, 2004
More Surveys
Posted at 05:09 AM

Before i post (i dunno what to post though), here's some survey from Lea

Last updated on 2004/07/19 at 9:40 am
1. last person u wrote a testimonial?
--- never wrote one

2. sport you would least play?
--- hm... swimming?

3. last movie u watched
--- spiderman 2

4. what do people first notice when they see u?
--- my face? i guess

5. do you like peanut-butter?
--- yup!

6. most memorable place
--- secret!

7. do you read comics?
--- yeah, used to be

8. how pretty/handsome is your crush?
-- she's so kirei

9. do u like earthquakes?
--- nope

10. worst nightmare?
--- too many to tell

11. most beautiful place u've visited?
--- Taal Lake facing Taal Volcano

12. wanna be a celebrity?
--- not really

13. do u like surveys?
--- deppends on the situation

14. your high school close friends:
--- Angelo Bulabog (my 1st best)

15. your best physical asset
--- i dunno, my face i guess?

16. your worst physical asset
--- my height

17. most people would describe me as
--- serious, very strict, silent, rarely smiles

18. one thing u hate about urself
--- i'm weak when....

19. vegetable u hate?
--- not really, most of them though

20. u like to go out on a grocery?
--- deppends on the situation, like when i'm free or something?

21. favorite person in the world?
--- Elena

22. can you dance?
--- nope

23. favorite past time?
--- reading, watching tv, playing video games, internet, sleeping

24. are you happy?
--- yeah

25. do you believe in God?
--- hm yeah

26. what is the worst rumor you've heard about yourself?
--- that me and hon both eloped (even though it doesn't sound so bad) and that i'm afraid over someone...yeah right

27. what is the most stupid thing u did for the person u love?
--- ...

28. are u in love?
--- yeah, with my girlfriend and hon Elena

29. do you miss him/ her?
--- isn't it obvious? yeah

30. what is your greatest asset?
--- my character i guess

31. what time is it?
--- 5:06am Manila Time

32. aside from answering this survey, what else
are you doing?
--- besides thinking, none

33. first thing to do when u wake up tomorrow?
--- look at my cell

34. where are you right now?
--- at home

...






July 22, 2004
Survey...for the nth time
Posted at 03:42 AM

i got this from Monsieur

1. First name mo?
-- Gerard
2. First nickname mo?
-- sekwet!
3. First name ng mother mo?
-- Lucia
4. First name ng father mo?
-- Dante
5. First name ng crush mo?
-- Elena and some anime characters
6. First letter ng name mo?
-- G
7. First fastfood na napuntuhan mo ever?
-- either Jollibee or Kfc
8. First number ng cell mo?
-- 7
9. First unit ng cellphone mo?
-- nokia 3310 (my first and still my cellphone for 3 years! )
10. First bestfriend mo ever?
-- Angelo Bulabog
11. First school mo?
-- Marisyl School
12. First section mo?
-- i forgot
13. First adviser mo?
-- i forgot Oo;
14. First house mo?
-- Malinta, Valenzuela
15. First address mo?
-- 16 Felo 2 Subd. Rincon Road, Malinta Valenzuela
16. Fist movie you watched?
-- Superman 1 (sa beta pa yun Oo; )
17. First website visited?
-- www.cnn.com
18. First e-mail address mo?
-- gokou16@weareanime.com
19. First time mong magka-crush? either girl or
boy?
-- i kinda forgot...
20. First place that you've seen?
-- hm...Fiesta Carnival in Cubao...i guess
21. First person who ever kissed you?
-- secwet~!
22.First person who ever hugged you?
-- can't remember
23. First instrument learned?
-- piano
24. First person who told you about this
friendster?
-- too many to mention but i guess...Elena
25. First person who ever texted you today?
-- Hon
26. First person in your Missed Calls list today?
-- my lil-sis Ren (Anne)
27. First person in your Received Calls list?
-- none
28. First person in your Dialled Numbers list?
-- Hon
29. First person you want to see tomorrow?
-- Hon
30. LAST QUESTION! Without looking, what was the
first question of this survey? (worth 5 pts!)
-- Your First Name?






July 23, 2004
Quizzes...for the nth time
Posted at 04:49 AM

i still dunno what to post, but we talked earlier for some time, she didn't went online though... but i guess it's ok for now...

anyway due to boredom, i took some quiz, enjoy!

---------------------------------------------


You are Cyborg 009- Gifted with molecular acceleration, Joe is generally thought of as the leader. He prefers to do missions alone but his closest companion is 002.
You are Cyborg 009--Joe Shimamura


Which Cyborg 009 Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

for some reason i like his character. tough and powerful yet sensitive...


I'm Takeo!
I'm the super-perverted magician Takakura Takeo!

Which Mahou Tsukai Tai Character Are You?


LoL... i kinda like him especially his torpe-ness and his hidden love for Sae, but i'm definitely not super-perverted



You are Eriol!
You are Eriol! You are very mysterious and a very
polite person! You love to test people for
fun, but it's all for their own sake. You are
really a complicated person. You are hard to
predict.


Which Card Captor Sakura Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

honestly, the description fits me very well, well except for the "test people for fun", well not for fun at least



You are MakubeX!
You are MakubeX! You are nothing short of a genius,
and yet, once someone betrays you, it takes
more than a little beating to gain back your
loyalty and trust. You fight for what you
believe in, even if it leads you down a dark
path, but you'd do anything for those who are
like you, and stuck in a situation they cannot
change for the better. You have the potential
for being a great leader, as long as you don't
let the power trip get to your head.


Get Backers Personality Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

till i took this quiz i realized that we both had the same experiences, well if you really watched getbackers and you know the real story of our group Geneiryodan, you'll know why







July 30, 2004
Not Another Survey
Posted at 03:57 AM

i found this somewhere here in tabulas... forgot who it is though...

----------------------------


The Basics

Name?: Gerard
Sex?: male
Birthday?: October 16
Location?: living room
Height?: 5"6
Weight?: i dunno
Hair Color?: golden blackish brown
Eye Color?: brown

Social Life

Who is your best friend(s)?: Angelo and Leia
Would you rather be alone, hangout with one other person, or in a group?: i want to be with hon
What would you consider a typical Friday nite?: tv and the internet
How often do you go out on the weekend? during the week?: used to be every saturday.. but now... rarely
Would you rather spend the day with your family or friends?: like i said, i want to be with hon

Love Life

Are you single?: no
If so, do u have a crush?: hm... yeah
What is your crush's name?: Elena, and some girl anime characters
What is your gf/bf's name?: Elena
How long have you two been together?: my gf? 8 months+

This or That

Night or Day?: night
Cat or Dog?: cat
Ugly and Sweet or Hott and Mean?: ugly and sweet
Hot or Cold?: cold
Tall or Short?: i dunno
Prep of Punk?: same here...
Winter or Summer?: Winter
McDonalds or Burgerking?: Burgerking
Hard or Soft?: hard or soft what?

Yes or No?

Do you drink?: alcohol...nope, other drinks...yeah
Have you ever gotten drunk?: nope
Do you smoke?: never
Have you ever gotten high?: nope
Are you prude?: i'm just being honest
Are you a virgin?: hm...yeah
Are you smart?: in my own standards...yeah i guess
Are you ugly?: yup
Are you pretty?: nope
Are you trustworthy?: let's say i can keep secrets

Random

How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?: secwet XD
How many pairs of shoes do you have that actually fit?: hm...two?
What size bra do you wear?: i'm a guy btw
Have you ever colored your hair?: nah, i want it to be natural
What pieces of jewlery do you wear everyday?: none
Do you have a cell phone?: yup
Name three things you "can't live without": Hon, internet, cable tv
Who do you talk to the most on aim? phone?: i don't have aim. on the phone... Elena
What color(s) is your room?: blue
Do you have a computer in your room?: i don't have a room unfortunately
What time do you usually go to bed? very early...early in the morning that is...lol
What's your favorite clothes store?: i don't have one at the moment.. unless they asked me to be their model... jk
Do you wear makeup?: not in a million years
Do you paint your nails?: read my answer above
What size shoe are you?: hm 9..i think
Did you like this quiz/survey?: i think this was meant for girls...haha

...






The Jyunishi God


Name: Gerard
Nicks: Son_Gokou, Sohma_Akito, Souichirou_Arima
Status: In a relationship
Likes: Writing and Reading Fanfics, Manga Scans
Hates: Ragnarok Online, PGMA, Liars, Double-Timers, Traitors

How well do you know me?
take my friendtest: click here

The Sohma House

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url:

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My Fanlistings


I'm a Dragonball/Z/GT Fan! I'm a Son Goku Fan! I'm a Goku/Chichi Fan!

I'm a Yugioh Fan! I'm a Yugi Mutou Fan! I'm a Yami Yugi Fan!

I'm a Anzu Masaki/Tea Gardner Fan! I'm a Tea Gardner/Yami Yugi Fan! I'm a Yugi Mutou/Tea Gardner/Yami Yugi Fan!

I'm a Kare Kano Fan! I'm a Souichirou Arima Fan! I'm a Arima/Yukino Fan!

I'm a .hack//SIGN Fan! I'm a Tsukasa Fan! I'm a Subaru Fan!

I'm a Chobits Fan! I'm a Shinbo Hiromu Fan! I'm a Shimizu Takako Fan!

I'm a Sumomo Fan! I'm a Shinbo/Shimizu Fan!

I'm a Fruits Basket Fan! I'm a Sohma Akito Fan!

I'm a Mahou Tsukai Tai Fan! I'm a Sae/Takeo Fan!

I'm a Minako Aino/Sailor Venus Fan!

I'm a Ukyo Kuonji Fan!

I'm a X/Alia Fan! I'm a Megaman X Fan!

i'm a Akira Toriyama Fan! i'm a Hironobu Kayegama Fan!

i'm a Loyal Tabulas User!

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