it's cold, it's dark, it's cursed...


It all starts without warning, a loved one or trusted authority thrusts a sharp dagger slicing deep into the child's innocent heart shattering its safe world of love with betrayal. A reflex pulls the heart away as the first painful emotion brings a fear of death and insecurity. Stunned in disbelief the child's mind scrambles to make sense of the puncture the heart has just sustained. Confused and unable to comprehend the assault, the child accepts full responsibility. Year after year the pattern continues, as trust becomes a distant memory.

Deep within solitude and far from discovery the mirror of the buried heart reflects failure and loneliness. The mind caught off guard responds with a legion of proof the inner voice is a lie. As time passes and silent to all others, the heart's once small whisper increases to a scream the mind can not suppress. Plunging into a darkness of conviction and despair a knowing of the failure permeates the body. Shocked by the inner betrayal, a rage is created that will not relent. Over and over you seek for the one to blame, but none can be found. Through desperate fear the mind has the solution. You are the one to blame.

The now silent heart slowly dies unaware of its gradual fate as despair trickles into the cold voids where the dream once lived. Day after day the darkness kills thoughts before they transform into action bringing a paralysis to life. Moving deeper and deeper into hopelessness, the childhood dream no longer exists. Replaced with a cold hatred that the song of lies was ever heard. Death is the only escape and love is a lie.

they are just waiting for me to die...


Entries for October, 2004

October 6, 2004
the 11th step in the ladder of love
Posted at 05:56 AM

hm w0w.. it has been about... 3 weeks since last time i posted. i'm very sorry, been to some personal problems but fortunately they ended

i feel as if a huge rock on my back has been lifted...

hm.. although i dunno what to tell you right now.. my past 3 weeks has been... a mix feeling although most of it's fun like Hon's bday.. for more info on that, go to her blog.

honestly... we have gone to difficult times... but fortunately.. it's not to harmful to us, on the contrary it made us discover the importance of one another on those difficult times.

she's grown mature..not just physically i mean mentally... and i'm so too i think.. i'm proud of her!

we met yesterday for about a long time.. even though the last time was..her bday... hmm...

anyway sorry again for this very boring post.. but unlike before, i think i got my inspiration back for blogging even though i'm a little lazy today

i would like to thank Julie for the phonecalls and advices and to Cherry for the text messages!

and of course Hon, for everything, in good times or bad times she never left me and i'm more than happy to know that she will never leave me.. i trust her on that. i promise to protect you with all of my life...

i almost forgot....

Happy 11th Monthsary Hon!!!

till next time...

/me loves Elena

end.

"if i want to be hurt, i want to be hurt by arima first..." Yukino Miyazawa of Kareshi Kanojo no Jijyo


'You Look Pretty When You Cry...' reminds me of hon

a clip from a scene of my favorite couple in Chobits, Shinbo Hiromu and Shimizu Takako






October 7, 2004
Nearing the finish line...
Posted at 05:12 AM

Nothing much happened for this day.. besides the fact that we celebrate our 11th monthsary, but for the sake of reviving this blog (well this is my main blog) so...

hm... i haven't slept much early morning, so i waited for Hon.. although i fell asleep... Hon came at about 1:30pm i guess

and the usual bonding

then we both fell asleep... i woke up at around 6:30pm, i tried to woke her up.. but.. she is really a sleeping bishoujo (beauty)

later we both wake up at 9pm.... dressed up and i went with her on her way home... but we stopped at 711 (a convenience store here) and bought 2 chicken cheesedog and a pepsi blue slurpee. and after that, we bought another 2 cheesdog... i guess we're really that hungry? well we haven't eaten dinner yet.

after that... on her way home, while walking, we talked bout the usual stuffs... personal stuffs about us. hm strange for some reason.. i never get tired walking with her on her way home.. even though it's really very far from my home (i didn't mean we walked literally from here all the way there) maybe because when you're with your love one.. the time stops? err nvm.. i'm not making any sense here...

i got home at around quarter to 12 in the midnight.

oh yeah.. i got somewhat addicted reading mangascans... now i'm reading Chobits and Kare Kano. manga's tend to be a whole lot better than the anime.. storywise.

anwyay that's all for today... we won't be seeing each other later, oh well.. there's friday though

till then...

/me loves Elena

end.


Mizuho Kazami of Onegai Teacher

Mizuho Kazami from the anime series Onegai Teacher/Sensei. she reminds me of Hon, they're both beautiful and sexy... they also have a lot of admirers. XD

Clamp's Chobits (mangascan)






October 10, 2004
Low Batt
Posted at 03:56 AM

*yawn. i'm too exausted to post what happened this day. my body's heavy and it kinda hurts too...although i'm not that sleepy yet

anyway i'll post later or tomorrow about the things that happened earlier...

till next time,

/me loves Elena

end.

ps. oh yeah, Hon told me earlier after he came to my home that some stupid moron tagged something on her tagboard and insulted her... back off baka, you'll get burned big time if you continue...

Edit:my counter seems to be broken, it's stuck to that number... hm even Hon's counter is stuck too... must be the counter site... hm i need a new simple site counter, anyone knows where to look? thanks in advance.
the counters are working now! yay



Souichirou Arima from Kareshi Kanojo no Jijyo... also known as His and Her Circumstances






October 12, 2004
The Master of Surprises
Posted at 05:46 AM

hm this day's got to be one of the most interesting days in my life... but first... i'll tell you what happened last saturday.

err scrap the idea if you want what happened last sat, just go to Hon's blog. hm don't have enough time to elaborate here...

anyway earlier..like i said... was a very interesting day...even though it was somewhat tiring and it's hot... i hate sunny weather

i went somewhere to pick something...then i planned to go to Hon's place.. or rather to the cafe where she always play ro. hm last saturday she asked me after her school, if she could play ro and she'll just go here on tuesday. i said yes. anyway my plan is to surprise her by going there and seeing her while she's playing.

i got there around 12:30-12:45pm... a bit tad early.. although kinda strange, usually she's already there at that time... went to the church first then eat some lunch

went back around 1pm something.. she's still not there, went inside... and later... rented for 5 hours...just in case she'll come. and she did.. a couple of mins later... eck. and she IS surprised seeing me there... oh well.

she played ro as always and i bloghopped both here and in my other blogs.

after we both finished, we went to tutuban to eat... you might call it a dinner

we we walked and look for some things... window shopping? then i walked her home...

on my way home, i almost fell asleep...(i still lack some sleep) and when i got here, i txt'ed Hon that maybe i'll take a short nap...and i did.

woke up at around 3:30am, found Hon online and now we're still talking...as always. msn's down though... crap. so no choice, ym.

anyway the day's great.. even though my plan didn't went as expected and.. it'll be 2nd sem here soon... so i'm kinda concern at both of our scheds... i just hope we're not that busy to see each other...

anyway that's all for now, sorry if my post's a little confusing.. i'll edit this some other time...

till next time

/me loves Elena

end.

ps. i think besides reviving this blog, i'm planning to resume bloghopping on a regular basis...


reminds me us earlier at the mall ^^






October 17, 2004
My Birthday
Posted at 07:35 PM

i was supposed to post this earlier/yesterday but i was so tired and sleepy. and my brain's not working that time.

anyway, hm...yesterday's got to be the best birthday i ever had since... i can't remember

i woke up at around 10... did everything except washing up.. and i fell asleep. woke up at 12, was somewhat worried why she's late so i called her cell first, it's off. so i called her home instead, she's still there and she said she was about to leave. felt relieved i continue doing my things and washed myself.

she came at about 2 i think, then we left. before going to Megamall we stopped by at Shangrila to buy 2 waffle cones/4 scoops of ice cream (2 scoops each). I bought 2 scoops of Mango for her and 2 scoops of Rocky Road for myself, i just love anything chocolate

then we went to mega, we were a little surprised to find tons of people there, then i remember that it's a 3 day mega sale...

we went to the foodcourt first to see if we could find anybody we know there, we didn't found any. we stayed there for a little while, she did something first. after that, we went to the arcade to look for some people, we did see some people.

then i asked her what she want to buy for the gift so we went to the bookstore, but she didn't find anything she liked to give me. then we went to the cinemas.

i plan to watched The House of the Flying Daggers or Three, but i want to watch a horror movie with her(the last time was an action movie, RE Apocalypse). so i decided we're watching Three.

the movie's about 3 horror stories from 3 countries; Korea, Thailand and Taiwan/Macao(?). just like hon said, the first story's kinda ok but the remaining 2's not that freaky. it was really a dissapointment, i said it there "we should have watch the house of the flying daggers instead"

after watching, we went back to the foodcourt, although on the way there, Hon treated me dippin dots(hey i was supposed to be the one treating not the other way around), although she insisted it's on her. then on the foodcourt, we saw some people including Louanne. talked to her for a little, then asked where are our our friends, she said they may be on the arcade so we went there. we saw some people we know, then played victory lap. as usual, i beaten her again(that's 3-0!)

then after that we're supposed to play Time Crisis 2 but there's still some people playing so we decided to look for the gift she was supposed to give to me...and of course to look for a place to eat

we went to the department store, powerbooks, then finally to Blue Magic, then she decided to give me a big red heart-shaped soft pillow, which had some writings to it:

i LoVe You
So MuCH
i CouLD HuG You
To PieCeS.


i love it honestly

after that we went to greenwich to eat, we bought pizza square and the flavor is pizza italia. while eating we talked bout everything, bout myself, herself, some other people. after eating we decided to return to the foodcourt, but we didn't found anyone we know there. so we went to the arcade instead, and we remembered we still had some tokens with us so we decided to play.. but still there's someone playing at tc2, then Hon said she wants to try Soul Calibur 2. and i said ok, i'll play Samurai Shodown 5 instead. i used Shizumaru, but due to the reason it's been ages since i've played arcade and that ss5 system's a little different from the rest of the ss series, i didn't do quite well, although at least i know to do some moves. and when i saw her playing well in SC2, i decided to try it, she used Xianghua and she said i should use Kilik coz..well they're an unofficial pairing

i did pretty well, surprisingly. although i was beaten once, i won hm...16+ in campaign mode. we joined the team of our friend btw. SC2's addicting...

after that we went home... after she got home, i went home myself. i got home at around 12:30. hm she said after i txt'ed her that i'm home, we'll go online. i txt'ed her. then i called her on landline, but it's busy so i thought maybe she's online (she did used the net to txt me) so i went online, i didn't find her on dalnet, ym or msn. and i found out after she txt'ed again that she's talking to a friend of hers. and i said i'll wait.

we got a chance to talk around 1:30... 1 hour later...

then i was supposed to post but i'm really tired and sleepy so instead i just waited for her post. i almost fell asleep several times till i really did

like i said, i haven't got a birthday this great since i can't remember even though i'm tired and sleep, i'll never forget this day.

till next time, and thanks to the people who greeted me.

Thank you very much Hon for this great day, and for the pillow, i'll cherish it always

me loves Elena so much!

end.


Arima and Yukino

Fukuda Mai's Tenshi no Yubikiri (Kare Kano op)






October 24, 2004
Breaking the silence
Posted at 05:34 AM

hm sorry if i haven't posted anything here... i really don't know what to post.. my days have been,, quite ordinary especially when Hon's not there.

i was suppose to type a rant here, i kinda miss doing that here. it's been months since i last posted a rant here.

anyway i'll do it next time if i had a chance. but for now, i'll just get to the point

i guess i'm lazy to post anything...not because i want to be lazy, i can't help it.

many things have been bothering me, that made my mind too busy. i really hate when i think too much

and i'm somewhat pressured on almost all the sides in my lfe like school, family, friends/society etc. luckily i have Hon, at least i have an inspiration to fight back

but still... with all that things, my mind's really gonna overload.

err sorry if i don't make any sense here, i am just ranting afterall.

that's all, for now.

/me loves Elena...

end.

ps. thanks to the people who greeted me


Shinbo Hiromu of Chobits






October 30, 2004
Thinking to death
Posted at 06:02 AM

i don't think i can post everyday for now. besides the fact that i don't know what to tell(my everyday seems to be boring except when i'm with Hon), i'm just not in the mood to tell detail by detail of my day even if it sounds repetetive. and i'm still somewhat lazy.

anyway my day's pretty much great, except for some things which are not really that important.

i backedup my files yesterday, coz my pc's hd seems to be going to the graveyard... my pc's so damn slow ._.' even if it's old, it's not that slow compare before. so i need a new hd... new or even second hand, i need to fix this pc ._.'

anyway i don't plan to post detail by detail what happened earlier but i forgot Hon didn't post bout that in her blog so... hm. maybe i'll tell it later or tomorrow. i'm kinda tired. basically Hon visited me and i was with her for the whole day. that makes me forget my problems.

even though i want to rant here, i'm too tired to do it.

oh yeah, i almost forgot. i reached 13,000 hits last week. thanks to the people who always visits this blog

and thanks hon for the visit for this day... also for the banner

till the next time

/me loves Elena...

end.


banner made by Hon ^^







The Jyunishi God


Name: Gerard
Nicks: Son_Gokou, Sohma_Akito, Souichirou_Arima
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