it's cold, it's dark, it's cursed...


It all starts without warning, a loved one or trusted authority thrusts a sharp dagger slicing deep into the child's innocent heart shattering its safe world of love with betrayal. A reflex pulls the heart away as the first painful emotion brings a fear of death and insecurity. Stunned in disbelief the child's mind scrambles to make sense of the puncture the heart has just sustained. Confused and unable to comprehend the assault, the child accepts full responsibility. Year after year the pattern continues, as trust becomes a distant memory.

Deep within solitude and far from discovery the mirror of the buried heart reflects failure and loneliness. The mind caught off guard responds with a legion of proof the inner voice is a lie. As time passes and silent to all others, the heart's once small whisper increases to a scream the mind can not suppress. Plunging into a darkness of conviction and despair a knowing of the failure permeates the body. Shocked by the inner betrayal, a rage is created that will not relent. Over and over you seek for the one to blame, but none can be found. Through desperate fear the mind has the solution. You are the one to blame.

The now silent heart slowly dies unaware of its gradual fate as despair trickles into the cold voids where the dream once lived. Day after day the darkness kills thoughts before they transform into action bringing a paralysis to life. Moving deeper and deeper into hopelessness, the childhood dream no longer exists. Replaced with a cold hatred that the song of lies was ever heard. Death is the only escape and love is a lie.

they are just waiting for me to die...


Entries for December, 2004

December 5, 2004
On a Clear Day, I Can See Forever
Posted at 07:12 PM

hehe sorry for the lack of updates here, and also to my sudden disappearance here... i'm busy at school

hm so why am i posting now... besides the fact that i have some spare time today (i have to review later)... something great happened yesteday...

anyway i dunno if i can make it detail by detail here, if you want that you can go to my Hon's blog. hm.. anyway

we were supposed to meet yesterday... but for some important reasons.... she can't leave her home... her mom's alone and with the flash flood that happened in Quezon Province (her hometown), so she suggested that i should come to her place... and meer her parent...

oh yeah... i really haven't met her parents in our 1 year as a couple... not that i don't want it nor she doesn't want it... i can't get a good opportunity to do so and with my school today... i'm always busy

so... i was having second thoughts whether i'm going or not... well... it would be my judgment day

so i decided to go... although with some personal stupid problems... i was delayed for an hour...

i got there at around 5 (i didn't thought there should still be traffic on a saturday afternoon till i realized... people shopping for christmas at Divisoria... eck)

luckily i still have some load left and i txt'ed her that i'm downstairs at the entrance of the condominium where she live... about a minute she went downstairs and we went to where she live...

her mom's not there yet.. i think she's on the roof... and for the first time i saw where she live... hm it looks comfy and nice... seriously her home looks cute

after sometime her mom arrived... honestly... i'm really nervious... i don't want to make a bad impression or something.... i greeted her mom "Good afternoon po". then we look at her files at pc and also at her personal things...

later her dad came... but i think he just stayed for a short time, he went back to his work... so i haven't got the chance to greet or show my respect.

after that her aunt and her aunt's friend came... and Hon asked if i want to see the rooftop and i said sure...

we went up there... the breeze's so cool and the surrounding's peaceful and clean... we were supposed to go where her favorite spot is but somebody's there so we went to her 2nd favorite spot... and in my opinion the better on the two... on the corner.

we sat and lie there.. looking at the dark blue sky with a few stars and some clouds... talked bout her past and also mine... she even said that she experienced almost everything a girl or teenager could experienced... and i realized yeah she really did experienced all kinds of things a plain person would experience... and i even joke that "no wonder you have a lot of fanboys" and i got a bap on my head

but seriously... i know thats the reason i want to stay with her, i want to protect her in everything in my powers. she's my angel and i'm her guardian

later we went back downstairs to her home, saw her aunt leaving... and we burn some files that i needed.

then her mom prepared dinner to us and Hon said it's a surprised coz according to her... her mom's not like that when her uncle's gf was there or any visitors... so she said it's a good sign

the dinner's good... although i haven't eaten much... because i'm shy to show my Gokou side there... hehe jk. seriously because my throat's hurt.. i guess my toncillitis' active again

after that we continued burning some cd's while watching tv... then her dad's back... i greeted him "good evening po" (even though my heart's beating so fast, i could die of nervousness)

her dad's went inside their bedroom and we continued burning some cds...after finishing everything and also because it's somewhat late (about 10pm), i asked Hon that i'll go... i said goodbye to her mom and i asked Hon... what about her dad, so she went inside and told her dad that i'm about to leave... and he looked outside and said bye too and also that i should be careful because it's late

while we were in the stairs, Hon said that her parents like me... i was surprised... according to her... her mom doesn't prepare food for other visitors including her uncle's gf... and her dad once inside the bedroom, he doesn't go outside unless he'll eat or he'll go to the bathroom... so that's a good sign....

whew! i'm glad... i almost died there... like i said.. i don't want them to have a bad impression... and of course ayoko na mapahiya si Hon

i thought she'll just walk me to the entrance of the condominium but she insisted that she'll walk me to the street where i'll get my ride

and while we were talking she was teasing me lijke "uy gusto sya ng parents ko" hehe

we said goodbyes and such *coughloveyoucough* and also i said i'll pass her some load because i said that she should txt me when she got back to her home

and i went home... i passed some load on my way... although she didn't txt so i misscall her... i think she doesn't got a signal so i called her on the phone instead... fortunately she's still awake... she said she almost fell asleep.... although she's sleepy and i let her sleep (we were supposed to go online at the same time and post at our blogs). she also said thanks... which much a surprised to me.. because i'm the one who supposed to say thanks... for making it possible to meet her parents and vice versa.. i said thanks to...

and i was supposed to post this but i'm somewhat tired and sleepy so i just left a note for her at my blog saying that i'll post later... and she did post...

hehe... like what i said to her tagboard... thanks for the wonderful day, it's one of the days worth remembering...

so making the long story short.... in tagalog terms...legal na kami! at long last...

and my day's great... even though i don't feel quite well... stupid cough

so that's alll, i'll post again if i have a chance... and thanks to those who visits, tags and posted their comments at my blog, even though i didn't update for so long (about a month) time, really thanks...
and again thanks Hon for giving me a chance to meet them... you have a nice family and i love them because they're the one who brought you to this world... without them i don't have my Hon

so... till the next time!

me loves Elena so much!

end.

ps. special thanks to Cherry for the edit of the pic


it's not really easy as this... OO;

South Border's Love of My Life






December 25, 2004
Joyeux Noel
Posted at 05:38 AM

Sorry if i haven't posted here for this past few weeks, was busy at school and with my personal life... actually my christmas vecation just started last december 22 and we'll be back on january 4... it's so long!!!! (sarcasm included). i don't know if i should call that a vacation.

anyway... i have been more active in the Tabulas Forums than here because it's easier to post short posts there than an actual entry post here...

and the forums' down...

anyway i really should post today... it's Christmas! even though my christmas isn't that good

it's quite silly that i've been absent a long time here and after that long absence i'll post a rant? on christmas time? oh well

the reasons why my christmas isn't that good...

first... my pet cat's missing... stupid people here... mga pabaya... tch. and it's christmas time... my nephew said he saw the cat at a pldt truck, he tried to tell it to my mom but she didn't listened... now that's the last time they saw the cat... what a great timing. now i almost cried when i saw a cat similar to my cat.. i think it's her bro... she's a nice cat.. potty-trained too!

second... due to some of family problems last month, i used most of my personal money on my allowance at school... it was paid.. paid in more than half... but not in full... it's ok i understand that... even though my money's not that big to be use on my christmas date with Hon but it's ok. but earlier... i was just asking for some money for my haircut... but my dad said that instead i should use the money that i got.. which is not enough if you would include that and a haircut just cost P35-50. wth. i rarely ask for money unless there's an occasion... and when i have to donate my money when there's a problem, i don't hesitate... talk about being helpful.

third...we (me and hon), didn't meet for about 2 weeks... kinda busy with our personal stuffs... we just met yesterday... (i won't tell specifically what happened that time, it'll make this post too long) strange thing is... she's early than our usual meets/visits, but i felt that the time was too fast... or the time we've been together was too short... although i guess i just missed her for 2 weeks... and our supposed to be christmas date later was moved to the 26. they'll be going out with her cousin.... and her cousin will leave by the 26... it's ok with me though... i understand

like i said, i just miss her...

lastly... my pc broke down on the time my christmas vacation started... i can't access the internet even though i got connected and it's so slow to connect... luckily i somewhat find a remedy for it... i can now access the internet... most most of the times... even though it's somewhat slower than usual... and sometimes i still can't access it.. oh well... i'm not that surprised.. this is an old pc and even though i want to, i can't afford a new pc

anyway my rants seem to be so shallow... but that's what i feel...

i'm sorry Hon if i ruined your Christmas...i didn't mean to

although... come to think of it, i got a gift that i want a long time, and i got it in advance... that gift is.. Hon... i'm still happy that i got the girl that i love and that i know we'll stay for the rest of our lives now that's what i call priceless! thanks for the gift Hon

To all the people especially to Hon, my close friends, my internet friends here at tabulas and at the forums... i wish you a

Merry Christmas!

me loves Elena so damn much!


end.

Quote of the day: Do you know what happens to snow when it melts? It becomes spring! -Sohma Kana from Fruits Basket


Kanata(left), Baby Lou(upper center), BowNyaow(lower center), and Miyu(right)

A Daa! Daa! Daa! (Ufo Baby) Christmas. Featuring Kanata, Baby Lou, BowNyao(sp?) and Miyu

Miwako Okuda's Shizuku (GTO's 2nd ending song)






December 27, 2004
A Late Date But It's Great!
Posted at 05:28 AM

i was suppose to post something yesterday but time ran out...

anyway... i don't think i'll make a specific blow by blow post about what happened earlier... kinda tired and sleepy. if you want that, go to Hon's blog

anyway my appointment to Hon was 12 or 1... i was supposed to go there by that time.. but due to some problems.. i got to her place at around 1...

i was nervious because it's the first time that i'll ever meet her grandmom and i don't want to have any bad impression or anything

anyway... when i got there...

she's sleeping!

her mom woke her up.. i waited for her... then we headed for mega, and on the way we talk bout various stuffs...

when we reached mega, we headed straight to greenwhich pizza... we're really hungry and both of us didn't had any lunch

but before that, we went to comic alley and bought a gift for Hon's cousin (i owe her a lot) and bought some pins for Hon

then at greenwhich...

we ate pizza square!

then we headed to the cinema. we were suppose to watch a move but w0w... there's so many people... so we decided to cancel that and instead... we went to a store. she'll buy a pair of shoes. then we went to the arcade and played soul calibur 2...

it was fun.. even though she defeated me in the vs battle (xianghua's fast)

then we just strolled around and i gave her my gift... a silver necjlace with a dolphin pendant... she loves dolphins

and i got a cool Parker pen... weee

then we went to the fooodcourt... ate some additional snacks... then we headed home...after she got home and i greeted her parents and grandmom a merry christmas... i went home myself...

sorry if this is somewhat a summary on what happened... i'm too tired and sleepy...

but still i want to see her tomorrow... i miss her

till then

me loves Elena so much! thanks for the day and for the gift

end.








December 30, 2004
Extended Date!
Posted at 04:10 AM

we were supposed to meet the other day but she had to attend some important family matters... and yesterday... she overslept...

but it's ok because this day was worth it!

i woke up at around 11 or 12... i called her home but they said she already left... yay!

then i was supposed to prepare but due to my laziness she arrived here before i even started

she waited for me... then... we enjoyed ourselves in each other's company... although the cable's dead

after the bonding we fell asleep... i dunno how long but we woke up at around 5 or 6

talked about some things and some small cuddle and such

after that... changed clothes and we ate dinner.. (i forgot to eat lunch... eck)

then we decided to go to policarpio st. here in mandaluyong. (if you're watching the news, you know bout this place)

policarpio is famous every christmas season, because every house here puts the best chrismas lights in the house and it look... terrific! almost all the houses are full of christmas lights

although unlike last year.. there are less lights and not all houses participate (i've been there for 2 times and Hon was only once... she was in the province last year)

then... food trip! we ate tacos, cotton candies and such... we're so full... we ate a lot here at home and a lot there... woot

so you may say it's a continuation of our date... i was planning to go here with hon last 26 but her dad told us we should be home early...

anyway... after that... we headed home... talked some things on the way and after she got home... i went home myself

i called her by the time i got here and now we're online... although it's hard to connect to ispx... at 12 o clock midnight? wth...

anyway my day's great even though i was annoyed by some things... but still i don't want to ruin my day just because of those things...

till next time!

me loves Fuuko very very much!

end.


^_________^

Yui Horie's For Fruits Basket (op, tohru's ver)






The Jyunishi God


Name: Gerard
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